Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying