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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock