Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
giddy up Office Depot
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
And then there were 4
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy