Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My dad is at it again
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please