Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.