Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
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I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Thursday
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller