Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.