Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Windows

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.