Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
thinking about this
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
no their not
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon