Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges