Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Bed should get ready for ME
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?