Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.