Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
My first son he is wonderful
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.