Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

That’s easy for you to say

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

#parenting

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them