[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
me
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
2022 will be better than 2021
