Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

This is why I hate group projects