Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*Shaves my winter legs*
Weigh me now.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.