Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*