Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
You Might Also Like
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
umm…
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
!!!!!!!!!!!
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil