Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
You Might Also Like
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.