Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”