looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.