looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My work here is done
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job