looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
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Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.