Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.