Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT