Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Them: Just act casual
Me:
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.