Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent