Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
me after i passed that state trooper
