Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!