Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.