Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

😂😂

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie