Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

good morning

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Worlds greatest photobomb

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy