Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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AUDIENCE: Yes!
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
my name if I was in the mob
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost