Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Meow?
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.