Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately