Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own