Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
You Might Also Like
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
How dude HOW?!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I stand by it
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.