Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

I’m good, thanks.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*