[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I ate everything, including the H.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal