[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.