Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

guilty

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.