Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

The Onion called it…again.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

😭😭

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.