*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel