Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Watson was Holmes schooled

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Any time a child tries to guess my age.