*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You Might Also Like
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[montage of me giving-up]
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs