Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.