Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?