Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.