Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work