Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
oh u like geography? name every lake
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again