Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.