[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My current situation
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Today’s tshirt
no
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?