@ADDiane

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

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@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@SortaBad

I’ve been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me

@newLettuce

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

@MartaEffing

Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.

@aveuaskew

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

@VaguelyFunnyDan

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

@sixfootcandy

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

@ch000ch

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

@TheBoydP

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…