[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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I’ve been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…