@ADDiane

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

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@BubblesnBooze

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

@EvanJKessler

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

@Ndeshi_M

*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?

@lmwortho

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

@nyquills

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

@bobvulfov

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

@girlnarly

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?