[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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pep talk
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…