[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.