[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away