Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

Always this one for me forever

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Basketball

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow