Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”