Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Beware of the dog..

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.