Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt