Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

I put the p in pants.