Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Look, a pure bread cat!
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.