Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

a god among men

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

the #horror is real!

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.