Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.