Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I had to Stop for this

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland