Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.