Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

Look at this

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider