[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Investing in beetcoin
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity