Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

But I really needed water water water

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

2022 be like

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?