Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.