Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

NASA has no chill

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?